Creating resolution

The Persian poet Rumi wrote, “Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I will meet you there.” I love that understanding, because it’s such a simple way of saying that we will never be able to create resolution when we are only listening to or valuing our own point of view. We get stuck there and frequently don’t hear anything else.

When we are in the midst of conflict with someone – or even with ourselves, we will never create a breakthrough unless we release control of needing or wanting the outcome to be a certain way. There is no freedom or movement when we are stuck in our own perspective. The purpose of mediation is to enroll the participants in the willingness to hear the other, so that there can be a resolution and something greater coming from integrating differing points of view.

Many years ago my first Sufi teacher told me that my main practice would be “to love everyone”. When I heard that my mind went crazy and all I could think of were all of the people I didn’t like or judged against – like Hitler and Idi Amin. How was I supposed to love them? When I asked him that question his answer was simple. “I didn’t say you had to like them, I said you have to love them.” Well, thirty years later that practice still engages me.

What is so compelling about it is that in order to love someone that I have judged against it means having to look to see what that person is mirroring to me about myself. I remember in the early 90’s, when stories of Saddam Hussein were in the paper every day, I thought about how could I possibly love him? He was a killer. But, then I thought about myself and where was I a killer? Where was any kind of violence still living in me? I haven’t physically killed a person, but, in the past, I have spoken to people with a judgmental attitude that created a little death in them and in their spirit.. I’ve killed animals and insects. I’ve been a killjoy (and while that seems ridiculous on some level – think about it for a minute) and I am dealing a kind of death-blow to myself whenever I create separation.What does this have to do with resolution? In my experience, when I do not see the other as myself there is no place in my mind or heart for there to be a solution. Enemy patterning is not useful or productive. Internal wars, like real wars, are costly and frequently cause illness and some form of death.

My questions are:

When you are arguing with someone, what keeps you from listening to them?

What is that person saying that you are reacting to?

Is it possible that what they are saying may be true somehow?

Would you be willing to  let go of your point of view for a few minutes and just listen?