This morning as I was having my tea I noticed there was a saying on the tag of the teabag that said, “The greatest tool you have is to listen”. It reminded me of the classes I took when I was training to be a life coach. Seems simple, like we all should know how to listen. But do we really?
I thought I did until I learned that there are many levels of listening. Most of the time, when people are speaking to us we are thinking, sometimes before they even finish their sentence, of our response. We have left them to go into our minds to judge and decide what we think about what they are saying. If we are triggered by what we are hearing we leave them completely and go into our survival strategies of how we will respond. For example, if you are talking to me about the race you just ran or a pie you just baked, I can think about something similar that I did and so create a kind of bond with you by responding about me. If you are speaking about how you are upset that I was late for our appointment, then instead of hearing your disappointment I will be coming up with some kind of reason for being late. That is considered the first level of listening.
The second level of listening is a little more profound. As we are listening to the person who is speaking we are present with what they are saying as it is unfolding – like a story or a song, enjoying their presentation and not thinking about any response whatsoever. We are engaged in what they are saying and not anticipating or going ahead, thinking that we know where they are going with the story. This way of listening means that you are honoring the person and fully open to who they are being in that moment.
The third and last level of listening is the deepest. This happens only when you have forgotten about yourself and are so present with the person speaking that you can hear what is not being said or expressed. That’s why coaching takes place mostly via the phone. When you are not seen there are no distractions to listening. At this level we are also listening with our hearts and our heart’s wisdom about what we are hearing. When we truly listen with our hearts all separation is non-existent.
Listening is one of the most generous gifts you can give someone, especially if you care about them. It is a tool that we can all learn to use to expand our capacity to connect and to respect the people that are sharing their lives with us.
Coaching Questions:
- Which level of listening do you do mostly?
- How do the people around you listen to you? Do they?
- Would you be willing to make some changes in the way you share your presence with people, by the way you listen to them?
I’ve often noticed, especially at work, most people avoid the 2nd and 3rd levels of listening. They will hear me but aren’t listening. Also the need to answer quickly. I find I respect those who take their time to consider what I’ve said before responding considerably more. I’ve tried to do the same. It is not easy. But it does make for more meaningful conversations. Great article, Siama!